[Redacted] tells me that I'm "cold," that nothing affects me as much as it should, essentially, that something that should upset me, doesn't. Funny that it's coming from the same kid who once reasoned "...and I know you're tough enough to handle whatever happens. Sorry." I think the ability to remain logical above emotional is a strong suit, not a point of weakness. I realize I've gotten to the point where I can completely eliminate emotion, which by it's extremity is potentially damaging, but such a defense mechanism only surfaces when things are REALLY BAD. The problem is that it's really hard to come out of, if those things don't lift. That’s where it’s causing problems instead of relieving them.
All the same, I appreciate my ability to stay calm when things fall down around me. A lot of emotion is beyond illogical: it’s misplaced anger against those who don’t deserve it. It’s blame for the sake of a scapegoat, not for resolve (if that even makes it legitimate.) It’s revenge against those who’ve done things that were necessary, or the right choice for a situation. It’s unnecessary guilt when you’ve already been forgiven. It’s people not being willing to put themselves in another’s shoes, and understand that circumstances DO change a person’s reaction to stress, conflict, etc. It keeps people from forgiving each other. It keeps people from moving on. It keeps people from smiling sooner. It keeps us from being able to make the right decision, the selfless decision, the necessary decision. It stops us from giving each other the benefit of the doubt, giving second, third, fourth chances. Some people don’t think you should give people multiple chances, but sometimes the circumstances haven’t changed, and we’re not always ourselves. There are times in my life where I’ve acted on emotion instead of logic, almost wholly on my feelings and my quick judgments on the things going on around me, and I’m embarrassed to remember how I acted. Even events years ago make me feel ashamed. I’ve pushed people I cared about away from me, people trying to help me. I’ve lied and deceived and hurt those who didn’t deserve it, because it helped me get what my emotions told me I wanted. The funny thing was, I rarely was content with it when I did get what I wanted; I usually felt guilty, ashamed, greedy, and worse for wear.
About 5-6 months ago or so I got out of a long period of not feeling. I had allowed it to continue for almost two years (though it wasn’t always severe), and coming out of it took a damn long time. While it had started off relatively innocently, not feeling became somewhat of an addiction. I lived by the freedom of apathy. I’m embarrassed now by that “freedom” I allowed myself. It rarely took into account others’ emotions, as mine were of no meaning to me. Granted there were some situations where this was nearly the exact opposite, but ultimately I lived without a care for what others thought. Sure, not being a “follower” and just doing what everyone else is doing is great; it doesn’t mean you have no responsibility for humanity, though. I realized there was a line that I was crossing.
Everything in moderation. I wish more people understood moderation.
It reminds me of kids in high school. They swear off Abercrombie, American Eagle, etc. because it makes everyone a “walking billboard”, and trade their preppy clothes for t-shirts with “Quiksilver” and “Roxy” plastered across their chests. It’s like, “Screw that bandwagon, this one’s sweet”. The fad of the anti-fad created (mall) goths, poseurs, vegetarians without resolve, potheads who rebel by falling to peer pressure, sober kids who let their parents make their decisions for them (instead of feeling passionate about their sobriety for themselves), and other versions of diluted “bad asses.” It’s the kids who listen to the Current because it’s “indie”, not because they appreciate the music. Some of the crazy shit they play on the Current flat out sucks in my opinion, and I’ll be the first to admit I have a pop-music guilty pleasures on the side. It’s almost like they’re starting to say “Let’s really go nuts with this, and see how many people pretend to like it, just to be cool.” One kid in my photo class (most of them art majors, many of them incidentally are heavily into drugs) was talking about how he wished he could give up speed. At first everyone was like “Dude no! It’s so much fun! I love that shit!” By the end of the class, everyone was like “Wow, dude, I dunno, I smoke/drink/shoot up too often…I really gotta get serious about my life, ya know?” It’s all about knowing when to pretend it’s cool to get fucked up and when it’s cool to pretend to give a shit about your life.
People should stop pretending.
I don’t know how exactly I got onto the subject about drugs, but I’m not surprised. It’s the ultimate in not feeling. Feeling anything, everything, but yourself. Drugs give us the chance to pretend. We pretend we don’t care. We pretend we care. We pretend we don’t know, don’t understand. We pretend to be empathetic. We pretend as an excuse to make the wrong decisions. We pretend to be someone other than ourselves. We pretend to get away with what we’re ashamed of. We pretend to stop taking responsibility. We pretend to stop everything. We pretend to stop feeling.
We need to feel.
Emotions, though hard to stomach at times, help us make decisions that are healthy, that are necessary, that are gracious. They help fight injustice. They help us pursue longevity and consistency. They help us allow for change in our lives. They help let us know when we’re not being true to ourselves. They help us know when we’re not being fair to others.
We need emotion in our lives.
We also need logic to supplement our emotions.
We, I, need to start finding where to let emotions rule, when it’s acceptable that passion rules reason, and when to remind ourselves that logic will keep us from straying when emotion pulls us in every direction, when to let logic stand alone and make our decisions. We need to let emotion be our left foot and logic our right, and walk into life confidently.
We, I, have a lot to learn still.
i had a sudden craving for oysters
